So much new stuff I can’t even title

So the children have been doing pretty good. I had first conferences and all are fine academically.

I am grateful they don’t need me to breathe down their necks right now because I am in my third month of math class and sometimes it is hard work- it can eat up a lot of my time.

I am also in my first month of committed relationship after ending my abusive one five years ago and it is really nice to be treated like a person. I told him the basic outline of our issues and like a gentleman he has not pressed me for details. I want to be myself, not a victim, and he is letting me be that.

I am super strapped for time and have been dipping into savings to make my life easier, like pay for sitters and take out food when I have too much to do to even cook. I just want to move ahead and take the kids with me on my progression. Whatever I have to do to keep going I am going to do.

Today we went up to my stepmother’s house and had lunch and raked leaves for her. We had only been there a few times since my father passed away. She gave me more things that had been his. I have his high school yearbooks and reunion booklets and I don’t know what to do with them. I took them because I knew they might be of interest in his hometown if I ever managed to get over there to visit his side of the family. She also gave me a suitcase of things he had collected over a lifetime, I don’t know exactly what. She showed me just seven hours ago and still I can’t remember. It must have been harder than I thought to be there. I have been irritable since and it could be from the baby biting her brother, but I suspect more cause than that. Are there people who feel things when they feel them or does everyone have to sit and figure out what just happened like I do? Is it PTSD or suppression or just being human and trying to get through each day? I don’t know.

The service dog agency was here. They interviewed us, and said they would tell us in three weeks if we were approved for a dog. Still waiting, six weeks later. Losing hope. We waited three years and some already and I am feeling a bit upset about it.

Before I had children I was a workaholic. I worked at least ten hours OT and I ran a household and did all the cleaning and coordinated everything for husbands and in laws. This is how I am. While I was in purdah I felt like I was not working because the hours were so low but really I was working more because my children were toddlers and their father treated me worse than he ever treated his dog. It took all my time just to keep the children in clean diapers, get enough sleep to function, and get food into the fridge by hook or crook before their father took it from us.

For the last five years I had been spending all my time on appointments for the children, trying to help them recover and give them the tools they needed to deal with their particular abilities or disabilities. Now they are down to an appointment a month or so, and school helps with daily social skills classes. I went from seven appointments a week and full time work and single parenting to no appointments some weeks. So I filled it with school and dating.

I am still a workaholic. I haven’t changed at all.

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2 thoughts on “So much new stuff I can’t even title

  1. I’m great that you and the kids are doing so well. I was really starting to miss you and worried that you had abandoned your blog, or worse, that something had happened to you. I always worry when people disappear without saying anything. It’s good to know that you are just busy with positive things in your life. I hope you do well with your classes, and best of luck in your relationship.

    I think you touched on a difficult issue of how to share what happened to you in the past without being seen as a victim. Undoubtedly you were a victim, but not anymore. I know that being a victim is a small part of who I am or have been and while it touches many aspects of my life, that is not how I want people to think of me. I think I would be torn between wanting to share everything and not wanting to mention it at all for fear that it would color other people’s perceptions of me.

  2. Hey, I miss reading your blog! Hope you are busy with positive things and that you and the kids are doing great. If you ever feel like contacting me, I would love to hear from you.

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