Conditioning

I have a trauma anniversary coming up in a few days and I have been very proud of myself so far. I have not been irritable or triggered that I can tell.

A few days ago I skyped with a friend I had not yet met but had corresponded with for a few years, a nice young man finishing up his Master´s degree. It was a nice conversation even though he said some nice things to me that threw me completely. I am not so good at compliments.

Even worse than the fact that I spent days obsessing over this conversation and feeling awful about everything I said is the fact that most of what I said and all of what I did not say came from cultural and abuse conditioning. I have been living in Western culture for four years, answering to no one but myself and still I am paralyzed inside, unable to voice perfectly acceptable comments because I have been conditioned not to speak to men, or not to speak nicely to men. This is a nice young man and he deserves some positive communication. I can write it, but I cannot say it. I feel ashamed to be controlled by things that are no longer present in my life.

I said nothing wrong. I just did not say much of what I wanted, encouraging or supportive stuff. I am supposed to be free, supposed to be able to talk as freely as I write.

It nearly makes me feel like crying. I never do that.

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Covering Up Dementia

It has now been over a year since my stepmother has explained to me how my father has changed and how difficult he is to live with. He seems to be worsening on the forgetfulness front but about the same with the aggression and anger.

My stepmother has only told one other person in the family.

Keeping this a secret and watching my father go untreated and undiagnosed is starting to really wear on me. I am getting resentful.

I don´t know if it is due to past experiences or if it is my PTSD, but not being able to freely discuss things frustrates me beyond belief.

I have had enough of hiding things. I have all sorts of worries for the both of them.