Did You Ever..

After a very bad day full of bad news turn to the world news for distraction, only to realize that it looks just as bad out there as it does in here?



International Women´s Day

The last official release I wrote for International Women´s Day on behalf of my ex took me two hours to get down into Word.

My children were sleeping, I wrote it during their nap.

My ex dictated the gist of it to me. I would write a bit and he would read it and then he would scream at me and slap my head until I made it more to his liking.

I was so angry (not that I could show it) that I switched gears halfway through the process and somehow convinced him to let me write the rest of the press release about how empowering women begins at home.

It is the worst official statement I ever wrote.

I was exhausted, as I always was at eight months pregnant.

I hate International Women´s Day. I hate it. I hope it does someone some good, somewhere. I never felt that it made much difference.


The Strangest Day

Today is the strangest day.

I had a bad dream. Then.

The past, accompanied by the future, met me face to face.

We were all quite civilized. I think I am still reeling.

If my son is home sick with the flu tomorrow I will find time to get it down here.


My Trigger List

Men, Men with children, Certain languages, Certain music, Yelling, Violence, Being lied to, Reverse omelets, Running out of food, Children laughing, Children crying, Being asked more than one question at a time, Being outside in short sleeves, Wind in my hair, Being someplace without two visible exits, People sitting in cars, Cars parked by the daycare, Bathroom fans, Leftism, Visible Misogyny, Having to give out my information, Having my image captured..

And my neighbor just walked into the room next to mine, put the baby down in a crib, and walked away while he cried. That is a trigger of mine, too.

Triggers- How Can You Tell?

When I was evaluated and treated by a psychologist for PTSD he corrected me on my perception of ¨being triggered¨.

I had always thought of it as experiencing emotional distress or panic in reaction to something that brought on memories of undergoing trauma. He told me I was profoundly mistaken, that ¨being triggered¨ means you are reacting inappropriately, in any way, to something- and that you can trace the source of that reaction back to your trauma.

He informed me that I was triggered pretty much all the time. Just most of my reactions were internal and not visible to an observer.

That blew me away. I thought, you know, that my PTSD was pretty controlled and that I had no problems. But it turns out that seeing dads of children in the grocery store and wondering if the mothers knew where their children were is me being triggered. Assuming most couples have an abusive relationship is me being triggered. Being nervous around strange men is me being triggered.

I never could tell him what happened to me, and I have told my therapist only a couple of stories in the two years since I saw the psychologist. I suppose if I talked about it more, I would trigger less. That is the theory.

But the therapist gave me some homework. She wants me to identify my triggers. It seems impossible, since everything triggers me. Has anyone else had to do this? Any advice? My list is crazy long. Is everyone´s list ridiculously long?