I have an issue with my image. I don’t mean a complaint that I don’t like my hair, I mean I do not like to see myself in pictures at all. I do not look how I am supposed to, how I look in my mind’s eye, and I find my real image to be disconcerting.
I have no mirrors in my bedroom. I do not decorate with them, either. I do not like to see myself, ever, I find catching sight of myself to mostly depress me. It drops my mood instantly. I had no photos of myself in the house. When I figured out how disturbing that might be to the children I put a picture of myself in each of their rooms. Because there are pictures of them in every room save the bathroom.
I look much older than I should. That could be part of it. I have scars, even on my face. That could be part of it. But I was always this way, disliking my face. Perhaps the reason I have always admired niqaab is because it hides the features completely.
I tried with makeup. But I am not good at it, and it doesn’t turn out how I think it should, and there is all that effort and upkeep and embarrassment when your mascara runs or your lipstick stains your water glass. Makeup also seems like a lie. Some women wear makeup, and they look quite nice, but I will realize that I cannot recognize them without it and that seems frightening. I want to be real, all the time.
I want to be myself but it is hard when I don’t like me. I want to like myself but it is difficult when my face does not look how it should.
I had to install a camera today for my security check next week and it was really hard. Just as hard as taking selfies. Which I did last year a few times and never since.