I have an issue with my image. I don’t mean a complaint that I don’t like my hair, I mean I do not like to see myself in pictures at all. I do not look how I am supposed to, how I look in my mind’s eye, and I find my real image to be disconcerting.

I have no mirrors in my bedroom. I do not decorate with them, either. I do not like to see myself, ever, I find catching sight of myself to mostly depress me. It drops my mood instantly. I had no photos of myself in the house. When I figured out how disturbing that might be to the children I put a picture of myself in each of their rooms. Because there are pictures of them in every room save the bathroom.

I look much older than I should. That could be part of it. I have scars, even on my face. That could be part of it. But I was always this way, disliking my face. Perhaps the reason I have always admired niqaab is because it hides the features completely.

I tried with makeup. But I am not good at it, and it doesn’t turn out how I think it should, and there is all that effort and upkeep and embarrassment when your mascara runs or your lipstick stains your water glass. Makeup also seems like a lie. Some women wear makeup, and they look quite nice, but I will realize that I cannot recognize them without it and that seems frightening. I want to be real, all the time.

I want to be myself but it is hard when I don’t like me. I want to like myself but it is difficult when my face does not look how it should.

I had to install a camera today for my security check next week and it was really hard. Just as hard as taking selfies. Which I did last year a few times and never since.


2 thoughts on “Cameras

  1. Have you ever thought of learning portraiture, if you ever have the time? You could borrow Betty Edward’s “Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain” from the library perhaps – one of the nicest parts of learning to draw humans (other than it being a powerful way of relaxing for me, since I used to have bad anxiety) is that I felt it made me see everyone as having interesting features. It really helped with how I saw beauty as a pre-teen.

    • My closest friend had me buy that book a long time ago. I had to leave it behind when we fled. I tried to read it, but did not do well. Fiction holds my attention more keenly. I am not artistic, so that book would be better for me than most. I ought to pick it up again, thanks for bringing out of my memory.

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