Mistakes On The Job

I really love my job. I love the people I work for. They are nice people who invest in their community and live charitable lives. Very worthy folks.

Yesterday my boss was taking care of my duties for me when I was off, and she found I had given a discount to a customer when I should not have. It lessened the variety of our inventory and it lost the company money.

I was so interested in getting reliable long term customers (for rentals) that I was a bit too eager to seal the deal. I sealed it, and robbed my boss of twenty five dollars a month for possibly years to come.

I hate making mistakes.

I feel like I am fighting against memory issues when I am at work, I forget things, even procedures. I always feel inadequate and I am always scrambling for ways to fix it, with shortcuts and memory tricks.

I am so very ashamed to have made this mistake on top of the rest of it. I am having trouble forgiving myself.

I want to propose a way to take a pay cut or work extra, unpaid, to make up for it. But I am terrified of making it worse by bringing it up or getting caught paying it back without permission. I am also afraid I would blubber through the proposal. The owner has been so kind to me, I don’t want to advertise the fact that I am mismanaging his property. Though I am sure he must know. I am still trying not to cry about it. I feel about two years old. I am forcing myself to eat, even.

I worked and I came home and I cooked for my mother, my children, for three hours.

I just wanted to lay down and cry. But it won’t help me.

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If Someone Could Please Explain to Me..

Why my mother is sleeping with her suitcases piled on the bed with her.

I gave her a room to herself, with the biggest bed, since she has sleep issues.

She says she wants to sleep with the gifts she brought people because she did not give them away yet.

I spent five minutes offering her other solutions and explaining to her that it upsets me to see her acting crazy and that none of us are going to touch her things. I was as forceful as I could manage and it had no effect.

She won’t budge. She is sleeping with her stuff that she has not yet given away.

So disturbing.

Music

I have an odd taste in music. My playlist is half foreign. Mostly Upper Middle Eastern, some European languages. The music I like in English is mostly recent pop, British more than American. I like my rap in German, French, Austrian.

I never listened to pop intentionally in all my life until I left my abuser.

I go through spurts of classical, and nothing but. Which confounds me.

Music was forbidden in my religion. I listened to religious content only, for too many years.

When I was a child I liked alternative stuff, I spent some years on the edges of the punk scene. I got to see some decent bands and meet some pretty interesting people. I think I got clocked in more than one mosh pit, which I expected at my height. Elbow height.

Just when I think I have settled down, I find myself on the Spanish station.. telling the kids to listen to the accordion.

Right now I am trying to get to sleep, and I cannot, because the music I have on is too interesting.

Going to try..

But did you know that Pitbull did a piece with Cheb Khaled? Like, who knew? I didn’t know! I want more fusion like that… I am going, now. I will.

What Am I Upset About?

I am talking over lunch with my father and his wife. I am sharing my intentions to very slowly start my secondary education. My stepmother asks what I want to do. What I want to do in my career is not necessarily what is best for me. I got off that track a long time ago and I ought to stay off of it. I want to expand my mind, build some credits, and be able to pursue a degree when the children are bigger. Which is years and years away.

So she asks me where and I tell her I need to start at a community college. She tells me her son did that, got his masters and etc. In case I forgot to mention it, her sons are wildly successful people. I am not.

I started to get annoyed. She is talking about an institution I have not got access to, where all the classes are available in one location. I don’t have a community college like that where I live. I am trying to explain to her that it is not so easy, I haven’t got a lot of options and there are three paths to get to a degree in my previous career (which is not what I want to go to school for) and probably I cannot be accommodated on those basics where I live. But I get mad. She is insisting, you know, if her son did it…

I later wondered why I got upset and it hit me there are two reasons.

The first, because I am not interested in being compared to her family, again. They always tell me, so and so did this or that, and then forget to add things like “because their father paid for it all!” or “their wife took care of the house and the kids and the bills and everything!” or  “my mother actually gave me free childcare and cooked and cleaned!” They make it sound so possible, so easy, and I get frustrated wondering why I am not the superhero so and so is. Until I find out, sometimes years later, that there was this huge piece of the puzzle left clean out of the conversation.

The second reason is because of the middle example. Her son got his master’s degree while working full time because his wife was taking care of everything else, while working barely at all. He could trust her to do everything. I have no idea what that is like.

Must be nice.

I cannot go to another campus while my kids are small. There is no one to watch them and there is no other income to contribute to the household. I am all they have, and I cannot afford a weekly sitter without hurting the emergency savings I am trying to build.

I am accepted, I just need to placement test. I was looking up study information for math, which is my weakest spot and something I would be glad to test out of if at all possible. The classes are free. They are forty-five minutes away, not on the campus in town at all, and not online. I cannot go to two hour classes with a one and a half hour drive time. The kids have their appointments and I have not got the income for a sitter. This is what I am talking about. It is so frustrating. I am just trying to get off the ground and I can’t get out of the runway.

I need to just go to school and worry about it after I start. Or I never will.