I have always wanted one of those big geodes of amethyst, the ones that look as if they were cut in half. I suppose a matched pair would be more interesting. I have wanted one my entire life. My mother sent me one in miniature for my birthday, on a string too small to go over my head. I would rather hang it where I can see it all the time. It’s hard to see your own necklace.

I traveled overseas by airplane twice. Each time I went to a carpet shop or two, saw carpets in the souk, fell in love with those miniature carpets for your desk that they sell at the airports. Each time I went, my husband would not allow me to buy a rug. So stupid.

These things I want my entire life, I could buy them. It is not as if I buy jewelry, or any frivolous thing. I even waste far less food than most people I know.

I want to walk into a furniture store and point to this and that and a couple of carpets. To have it delivered. It is so easy to do so. But that would be irresponsible use of my savings.

I am not a material person. If you kicked my car I would shrug and ask you if you were alright. I do not know why these things are bothering me so much, the furniture and the carpet and the things I never bought myself and would not know what to do with if I did.

I need to play board games with the kids. I never sit down with them. I clean and I cook and I do so without ceasing, even if not necessary. Yet my home is not pristine. It is clean enough, cleaner than most, but not in any way ready for showing. I have sewing to get done, guided reading with the children, those board games. I haven’t got the time or the patience for this nagging greed.

Update: I just priced all of them, online. I would never be able to afford them. Not the carpet nor the geode. In the souk, I could have. Not here.


2 thoughts on “Confessions

  1. Peace. I can’t give it to you, but I can say that those carpets are doable, my mother found hers here and saved up.
    Hoping for your recovery.

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