Old Feelings

Since I left the shelter I have sometimes found myself consumed with anger towards my ex-husband. Not unusual, you would think. But this is not my abuser that I have been raging at in my mind, it is the husband I had before I partnered up with my abuser.

I just read through some advice on Aish.com (I am not plugging the site, this is where I found it) on six steps to get rid of anger.

I think the reason this has been happening, this focus on what I lost and how angry I am at him for his deceptions is because I am blaming him.

I am blaming him for setting me loose, to be found fair game by my abuser.
I am blaming him for being kind to me, the last partner to be so. As if I am mourning the best treatment I had in a relationship. Which was not stellar, but humane. Humane I did not have before him, nor have I had it since. I am pretty sure that I am mourning relationships altogether, because I cannot see myself ever having another.

I am blaming him for setting me back years financially. Had I known there was no future with him, I would not have put him and his siblings though college, I would have put myself through, and saved myself a lot of current worries about finances as a single parent of three.

I am blaming him because I had assumed that I would always have a relationship with his family, and to be cast out by them still rankles. I loved them to pieces. I thought they were my own family, forever.

I blamed myself, berated myself, ate myself up with guilt and had years of sleepless nights over the mistakes in my life. Over having children with a monster and not spotting the signs of madness. So I do not know if blaming my ex husband is progress or a setback. I am not comfortable with blaming anyone for anything, even if it be unintentional, unconscious. I meet with the therapist tomorrow. I don’t know if I can fix this, but I sense this is a good first step.

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