Run Down?

I got sick again. That was three bouts with fevers in five weeks. I told the doctor it must be strep and when the snap test took too long he got nervous and sent me to lab to give up my blood. He mentioned Lymes and he mentioned mono. I figured it was strep, because I haven’t time to have anything else. I cannot afford anything else.

So it was strep. I am on antibiotics and I am profoundly grateful. I could barely do anything, and I am sure the kids missed their vegetables at a few meals. I became very irritable on the third day of fever, and then it was gone. I apologized to the children. One of them came down with it, and though I am waiting, it seems to have since passed out of our home.

I have had some weeks of late with nine appointments scheduled on top of my work. I think I might be doing too much. The receptionist at the physical therapy clinic, when trying to schedule an appointment for my son’s OT asked me, after numerous days that did not work ¨Did you see someone else?” Implying that I am neglecting my child by not getting him his OT on schedule. But I have to stiff Peter to pay Paul. He has other appointments every week. He has three different kinds of therapy and I am trying to add skills into it. I did not get offended. Two missed OT appointments will not hurt him. He is not trying to heal a broken limb, it is not time sensitive, this is an ongoing thing. It is an autism related issue, his poor motor and trunk. Probably he will have OT for years to come, it has already been two years. I just told her I had no one else. I did not explain that I have to work, and she knew I was booked up on all free days. It should be obvious. I have no help.

Last year I started taking my cancelled appointments (the ones the doctors cancelled on me) as free time for myself. I realized I was using all that free time to shop for my kids. So now I am using it to organize the car, the house, the schedule. I am trying to keep an afternoon free twice a month to do this.

My mother had my brother and I clean the entire house and make dinner twice a week from the age of seven. I cannot see having the kids do so much. I want them to do their homework. I am trying to teach them to keep their things picked up. When I was a child, I did my half of the housework, then my brother’s half, and my room was a pig sty. I mean not messy, beyond- layered. Just nightmarish. I don’t want that for my kids. I want them to desire a clean space in which to play and work, as it keeps them happier and healthier. Asperger’s does not lend itself well to natural cleaning. I have to set up a system of rules so my oldest understands to clean up after himself when he moves from one activity to the next. So far he complains less, but is not more instinctive about it.

I suppose I mention it because I feel like I cannot keep up. I have places for everything, but not everything gets to it’s place. The children are always depositing things in my room for safekeeping. Pictures and Lego creations, stuffed creatures that need naps. I am flattered that they trust me, I am. It does clutter, though. There are no toy storage places in here. I suppose I need a basket.. or a cabinet.

I am sleeping more, which is good. I am trying. Today we did not leave the house. The kids did well. I cooked a lot of good food for them, dropped a cake on the floor and laughed it off. Better to bake a cake and lose a cake than to be stressed out. I tried to tend to all their requests for attention today. I think I did pretty well, with the laundry and the cooking and their naps and baths. I don’t know if our house is too small, or if my organization is too poor. Probably both. I don’t know if we will ever be able to get a house with a yard instead of an apartment without even a balcony. I don’t know if it will help as much as I think it would.

I just think it will get worse, the time commitments, as they get older. Not better. I want to be ready. Not tired and feverish. I should have had children when I was younger.

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