No New Tales To Tell

Online relationship not going well. Possesses all signs of him ¨letting me down easy¨. Not going to cry. Don’t look. Someone tell that negative voice in my head to go to hell.

Spent much of my day trying to desperately cure PTSD by wishful thinking. Did not succeed. Went shopping to relax. Tried to spend more than twenty dollars at checkout, could not. Went twice, problem solved. Pretended I was not on the verge of tears, all day.

Bought children a movie. Two out of three complained. One opted out. Gave children flavored popcorn to watch an old movie with. One complained, but ate it. Not too much on floor. Win.

One child began tantrum, aborted it as computer privilege being confiscated. Proof of poor parenting rather than hyperarousal symptom of his PTSD. Great.

Dearest online friend suicidal, second of the past week. Lucky to have her phone number, even luckier if she keeps her promises. Sounds like she looks. Beautiful.

Tired from not sleeping and emotionally drained. Habitually concealing it.

Wrangled toddler into wearing pullups in the hope that I can avoid switching all her bedclothes in the middle of the night. Told her I cannot read her the Three Little Pigs unless she wears her pullup. Also told her I cannot give her any blankets if she does not wear it. Not happy with self for threatening withdrawal of affection and bodily comfort, but tired. Really tired.

Worried friend will not call back. Dreading calling the non emergency line in her locale to be transferred to emergency. Really tired. Anxious.

There she is. Thank goodness.


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