I did set up a treatment plan. Some CBT sorts of things. Upon observation, I actually seem to trigger all the time. I have some small stretches of not triggering. Like five minutes here and some minutes there, but really, if I am out with the kids, I seem to be fighting triggers all the time. If I am not with the kids, I am triggering, but I don’t have to talk to anyone, or deal with any demands. No one can tell.

This is not fair to my children.

I don’t want to be like this. Arguing with myself is exhausting. Convincing myself that I am overreacting to everything is tiring. I come off irritable, perpetually. Maybe I need more than hypertension meds.

If anyone out there reading this is an abuser, stop it. You are ruining a person, for life. Just end the relationship, you get out. Let your victim partner raise their children in peace, whether they are your children also, or not. Do the right thing. Don’t try to change, just leave. If you find yourself changed, then try to make it work, but leave your loved ones alone until you can behave like a decent person.

Look at how messed up I am. I am terrified of passing the wrong message onto my kids. I need to have a talk with them about how I am sick. I thought I could get better by now. But I did not.

I need to tell them nothing is their fault. It is me. I am crabby because I am sick. I don’t want to be like this. I want to be a nice patient mother. I want to be who I was before. I am sorry for my kids. So sorry. They are recovering, too. They needs lots of patience, more than what I have. What if they internalize my irritability and think it is about them? I am terrified of this. I am free now. Why can’t I be well, too?


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