Quiet!

I do not know what to do about my need for quiet. Sometimes I need it very badly. It feels like a trigger. Too much noise for too long makes me angry. So does whining, or high pitched vocals.

This is hard to curb for some children with Autism Spectrum Disorder. They might laugh very loudly, or scream with disappointment. My son will scream loudly to protest untruths, stories, or factual mistakes. He does not want his reality misrepresented. His laugh is the loudest in the universe, I swear. All my children are very excitable, especially about policing each other, in video games or at the dinner table, wherever they are, they have to loudly correct each other, and then yell a tattle to me.

It feels awful inside, like a jumble. I get confused, I cannot focus. The worst will be that I lose my temper, yelling for quiet. I have taken to clapping my hands, instead. It works better than yelling over yelling children.

Our abuser was the same way, he could not stand laughter or crying. It is not fair that mental illness can be passed on like this. It should not be contagious. Am I still afraid of his reaction to noise, or is this my own? How can I tell?

I already take a beta blocker. I get so irritable from the noise in my home that I daydream of space to get away from it, or some sort of medicine that will make me less sensitive to it. I thought that being triggered repetitively would lessen the symptom. This happens daily. Why am I not less reactive? Today I am more so. I can hardly think, I can barely follow logic.

I am just getting a handle on it, because they are quieting down. This is what happens when they miss their afternoon recess. I need to remember this when I pull them out of daycare early for appointments. Take them to the park or something.

I want it to go away. I don’t want to be like this.

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