I realized at work the other day, while planning, for the umpteenth time, my escape from there, that I was doing so. If I am in a space for more than a half hour, I end up planning how to escape from it. The first factor is always how to evacuate or get the people inside into shelter. The second factor is a variable. Is the Perpetrator armed or not? I never get past this at work. I always get my initial reaction down based on armed or unarmed, but then I have to deal with evacuation and I can’t go further. The offices are laid out so badly, there is no inner door, too many scattered out too far. I can’t decide which way to go, who to warn, whether they should go out the back and become targets in the empty space, or hide.
The therapist tells me to use the phone or get myself out. Because no one is coming for the evacuees. So why try to protect them? They don’t need protecting, they are not in danger.
Why am I still planning escapes? When is this going to end? Can’t my mind wind down and relax, ever?